this beer tastes like vomit already
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
