i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
