He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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