last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
