I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
