theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
