Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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