Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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