its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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