nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
