I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
