Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I faked an abortion last night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
