I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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