i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
