Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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