I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
