Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
