Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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