His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
