If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
