my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
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