New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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