I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
