If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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