I am puke
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
