i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
