sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
