Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
