His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
