Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
