I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Found your dick twin last night
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
