Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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