then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
