I'm so fucking centered right now
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
