We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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