the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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