I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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