I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
