There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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