last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
