When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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