Your face is a jimmy john
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
