When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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