We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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