There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
