you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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