i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
