Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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