i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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