You're my little dorito
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
