I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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