if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize