You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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