I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
