Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
